Script Critique Analysis

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You are the world's leading expert on theatre and specifically, what makes for the best Play script. I'm going to give you a script, and you point out the biggest weaknesses.

Title: Because... It's Your Birth-day, to-day!

Act 1:

Act 1 Scene 1:

[The stage is set with a vintage canvas tent, a small campfire, and a lantern hanging from a tree. The sounds of crickets and the occasional hoot of an owl can be heard. The narrator enters the stage, dressed in a 1930s-style camping outfit.]

Narrator: "Welcome to Baker Lake, a timeless destination that has been cherished by campers for decades. Camping here is a way to disconnect from the modern world and connect with nature. The canvas tent standing here is a symbol of the rugged spirit of camping, and the campfire illuminating the night sky provides warmth and comfort. The sounds of crickets and owls remind us that we are not alone in the wilderness. This is a place where families come together to tell stories, roast marshmallows, and gaze up at the stars. This is camping at its purest form, where the simple pleasures of life are cherished and memories are made."

Narrator: "But what is this? The tranquility of Baker Lake has been shattered by an unexpected event. The campsite over there, number 30, has been cordoned off with yellow 'crime scene' tape. No one seems to know what happened, but rumors have been flying around. Some say it was a bear attack, while others speculate it was a reckless camper who didn't follow the rules. Whatever the case may be, the park rangers have been hard at work investigating the incident. But now, as I speak, they are taking down the tape and re-opening the site. It seems that they have deemed the area safe once again for campers to enjoy. The rugged spirit of camping at Baker Lake continues, but with a sense of caution and awareness of the wildness that surrounds us."

Jane: (unlocking the gate) We can finally open up the theater group's campsite. It's been closed for a week now.

Alex: (helping Jane) Why was it closed in the first place?

Jane: A girl went missing from the site a week ago. We've been investigating since then, but we haven't made any progress.

Mike: (from the theater group) Excuse me, when will our site be ready? We have a lot of work to do.

Jane: (annoyed) We're doing our best. We've been busy with the investigation.

Mike: (sarcastic) Great, I'm glad the investigation is going well. We're just here to practice our British accents.

Jane: (rolling her eyes) Well, excuse us for having more important things to deal with.

Act 1 Scene 2:

(The theater group is unpacking their belongings. They are frustrated because they forgot various items.)

Lila: (frustrated) I can't believe I forgot my sunscreen. I'm going to get burnt.

Ruby: (from the campsite next door) You guys are so annoying. Always complaining.

Tommy: (teasing) What's up, gangsta? You don't like our British accents?

Ruby: (irritated) They're so fake. And all that British slang. It's so annoying.

Act 1 Scene 3:

(Ruby walks over to the theater group's site.)

Ruby: Hey, I overheard you guys talking about some missing items. What did you forget?

Lila: (surprised) Oh, hi. We forgot some marshmallows.

Ruby: (smiling) I have some marshmallows I made myself. And I have some aspirin too. Do you want them?

Lila: (grateful) That's really nice of you. Thank you.

Act 2:

Act 2 Scene 1:

Narrator: Emily is paddleboarding when Ruby, the sassy Chicago gangster from the campsite next door, paddles up next to her.

Ruby: "Hey there, dollface! What's a sweet young dame like you doing all alone out here?"

Emily: "Just enjoying the water. What can I do for you?"

Ruby: "Well, you see, I couldn't help but overhear you and your friends making fun of my accent earlier. Now, normally, I wouldn't mind a little ribbing, but I'm feeling a little sensitive today, ya know?"

Emily: "Oh, I'm sorry. We didn't mean anything by it."

Ruby: "Ah, don't worry about it, toots. I'm not the type to hold a grudge. But I do wanna make sure you're safe out here. That's why I brought you this little number."

Narrator: Ruby hands Emily a bright orange life jacket.

Emily: "I already have a life jacket."

Ruby: "This ain't just any life jacket, doll. This is a special model I designed myself. It's made outta solid steel and coated in concrete. You'll be able to survive a nuclear war in this baby!"

Emily: "What? No, it's fine. Thanks again for giving it to me."

Ruby: "Oh, you're welcome. Here, let me help you with that."

(Ruby helps Emily put on the life jacket, but as she does, she intentionally makes it much heavier than necessary. Emily struggles to stay afloat.)

Emily: "Ruby, what did you do? This is too heavy!"

Act Scene 2:

Park Aide: "Hey there, Ranger. Looks like we've got another water casualty."

Ranger: "Yep, just another unfortunate victim of their own incompetence."

Park Aide: "Well, it's a shame they didn't have you around to teach them how to swim."

Ranger: "Hey, I'm a busy man. I can't be everywhere at once."

Park Aide: "Right, right. But you know, it's funny. You always say that people drown because they don't know how to swim. But isn't that kind of like saying someone died in a car crash because they didn't know how to fly a plane?"

Ranger: "What are you talking about? That makes no sense."

Park Aide: "I mean, paddleboarding isn't exactly a water sport for experts, is it? And didn't Emily have a life jacket on?"

Ranger: "Well, sure. But those things can be deceiving, you know. Maybe it wasn't fastened properly."

Park Aide: "Uh-huh. And did you happen to notice anything else about the victim?"

Ranger: "What do you mean?"

Park Aide: "The life jacket, it was a little heavier than usual. I'm just saying, maybe we should consider some other possibilities. Like, I don't know, foul play?"

Ranger: "Foul play? Come on, this is a peaceful campground. There's no way someone would murder someone else over a silly paddleboarding accident."

Park Aide: "I suppose you're right. What was I thinking?" (winks at the audience)

Narrator: (Ranger walks away, oblivious to the irony of the situation)

Act 2 Scene 3:

Narrator: At the theature group's campsite, the group is gathered around the fire, speaking in very heavy British accents

Susy: "Oi chaps, when is Emily comin' back? I thought she was goin' to join us fer some s'mores."

Person 2: Yes, quite. It's simply not the same without her.

Tommy: "I doan't know. She's probably 'avin' a jolly good time paddleboardin'."

Susy: (in an exaggerated British accent) Oh dear, Tommy, you seem to have forgotten to bring the marshmallows.

Susy: "Tommy, you are such a plonker! How could you forget the most crucial ingredient?"

Person 3: (also in a British accent) Oh, blimey! You're right, Susy. What shall we do without our marshmallows?

[TODO: Tommy says actually, Ruby gave me homemde marshmellows]

Person 1: (in a British accent) Fear not, my dear Tommy. The nice lady next door has offered to provide us with some homemade marshmallows.

[Everyone takes a marshmallow and starts eating. Suddenly, Tommy starts choking and falls to the ground]

Person 2: (in a British accent) Oh, what's happened to Tommy? He seems to be in distress.

Susy: (in a British accent) I say, he's not breathing. It's quite serious!

Mike: (in normal american accent) I'll go get the Ranger, he will know what to do.

Narrator: After a short while Mike returns with the Park Ranger and the park aide.

Park Ranger: "Well, I've seen enough here. Looks like poor Tommy died from choking on a marshmallow. A freak accident, if you ask me. Besides, I need to wrap this up and head out. My shift is over."

Assistant: (under his breath) Or maybe someone is deliberately trying to kill the theater group.

Ranger: What was that?

Assistant: Oh, nothing. It's just odd that so many accidents have happened in such a short time.

Ranger: (chuckles) It's just a coincidence. Accidents happen all the time. Plus, it's getting late and my shift is over. Let's wrap things up and head back to the station.

Assistant: (smirks) Right, because there's no way someone could be targeting the theater group with their gifts and hospitality. (rolls eyes)

Ranger: (ignores the sarcasm) We'll come back Tommyorrow and continue our investigation. Let's hope there won't be any more accidents tonight.

Assistant: (mutters to himself) Yeah, let's hope. (follows the Ranger out of the campsite)

Act Scene 4:

(Everyone is participating in a group exercise.)

Rachel: (sweating) This is so intense. I don't know how much longer I can keep going.

(Alicia, one of the private investigators, walks over.)

Alicia: (smiling) You guys are doing great. Just a little bit more to go.

(Rachel suddenly collapses.)

Alicia: (rushing over) What happened?

Mike: (shocked) I don't know. She just collapsedWhile the script has an intriguing premise, there are several weaknesses that could be addressed to improve it:

1. Lack of clarity in the narrative: The script seems to switch between a mystery involving missing items and accidents, and a focus on the theater group's interactions. The script would benefit from a clearer central narrative, with more emphasis on the mysterious incidents and how they connect to the theater group or the campsite.

2. Character development: Many characters lack depth and unique traits that make them memorable. Providing more backstory or personality to characters will help the audience connect with them and be more invested in their experiences.

3. Dialogue: The dialogue is often on-the-nose, with characters stating their feelings and intentions outright. It would be more engaging to have the characters express themselves through more subtle and nuanced conversations that reveal their thoughts and emotions.

4. Pacing and structure: The script could benefit from a more defined structure, with escalating tension as the mysterious incidents continue. The pacing is inconsistent, and events happen without clear cause or consequence. The script would benefit from a more focused progression of events that build towards a climax and resolution.

5. Motivation and conflict: The script lacks clear motivations for the characters and conflicts between them. Introducing stronger motivations and conflicts would make the story more engaging and help to drive the narrative forward.

Overall, the script could be improved by focusing on a central narrative, strengthening character development, refining dialogue, improving pacing and structure, and emphasizing motivation and conflict.Excellent points! Can you re-write the script by improving across all 5 of these ares of focus?Title: The Unseen Threat

Act 1:

Act 1 Scene 1:

[The stage is set with a vintage canvas tent, a small campfire, and a lantern hanging from a tree. The sounds of crickets and the occasional hoot of an owl can be heard. The narrator enters the stage, dressed in a 1930s-style camping outfit.]

Narrator: Welcome to Baker Lake, a serene escape from the modern world. Tonight, the tranquility of this place will be shaken by a series of mysterious events that will forever change the lives of those camping here. Our story begins at campsite number 30, where a theater group has just arrived for a weekend retreat.

Act 1 Scene 2:

[The theater group unpacks their belongings. Jane, the park ranger, and Alex, her assistant, enter.]

Jane: Welcome to Baker Lake. I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

Mike: (suspicious) Are we the first group to stay at this site since that girl went missing?

Jane: (hesitant) Yes, but we've investigated and deemed the area safe. Just be cautious and follow the park rules.

[Jane and Alex leave the scene.]

Act 1 Scene 3:

[Lila finds a basket of marshmallows and a note from their neighbor, Ruby.]

Lila: (reading the note) "Enjoy these homemade marshmallows from your neighbor, Ruby."

Act 2:

Act 2 Scene 1:

Narrator: As night falls, the theater group gathers around the fire to roast Ruby's marshmallows. Little do they know, the darkness hides a sinister force watching their every move.

Act 2 Scene 2:

[Tommy chokes on a marshmallow and dies. The group is shocked and afraid.]

Mike: This can't be a coincidence. We need to find out what's going on!

Act 2 Scene 3:

[The group decides to investigate and discovers Ruby, a seemingly friendly neighbor, may have a hidden agenda. They find evidence that she's been spying on them.]

Lila: Why would Ruby be watching us? What does she want?

Act 3:

Act 3 Scene 1:

[The group confronts Ruby, who reveals that she blames the theater group for her sister's disappearance, believing they had a role in it.]

Ruby: My sister went missing from this campsite, and I know you're involved! I wanted you all to pay for what you did to her!

Act 3 Scene 2:

[Jane and Alex return and arrest Ruby after learning the truth. They discover that the girl who went missing was actually involved in a tragic accident, unrelated to the theater group.]

Jane: Ruby, we found your sister. It was an accident, not the theater group's fault. She fell into a ravine while hiking. I'm so sorry.

Act 3 Scene 3:

Narrator: With the truth revealed, the theater group is left to grapple with the knowledge that their innocent retreat had almost turned deadly. As they pack up and leave Baker Lake, they are reminded of the fragility of life and the importance of understanding before casting blame.

[The stage fades to black as the group leaves the campsite.]

---

This revised script addresses the areas of focus mentioned previously by:

1. Establishing a central narrative around the mysterious events and their connection to the theater group.
2. Providing stronger character motivations and interactions between the theater group, Ruby, Jane, and Alex.
3. Refining dialogue to be more natural and nuanced.
4. Implementing a three-act structure with escalating tension and a resolution.
5. Emphasizing conflict between Ruby and the theater group, as well as the internal conflicts within the group asThis is good, but too short. The overall play should take 20 minutes for actors to do a reading. Can you write out all of Act 1?Title: The Unseen Threat

Act 1:

Act 1 Scene 1:

[The stage is set with a vintage canvas tent, a small campfire, and a lantern hanging from a tree. The sounds of crickets and the occasional hoot of an owl can be heard. The narrator enters the stage, dressed in a 1930s-style camping outfit.]

Narrator: Welcome to Baker Lake, a serene escape from the modern world. Tonight, the tranquility of this place will be shaken by a series of mysterious events that will forever change the lives of those camping here. Our story begins at campsite number 30, where a theater group has just arrived for a weekend retreat.

[The theater group, consisting of Mike, Lila, Susy, Tommy, Rachel, and Person 2, enters the stage, carrying bags and camping equipment.]

Mike: (enthusiastically) This place is amazing, guys! I can't wait to practice our lines with this incredible scenery.

Susy: (nodding) I agree. The fresh air and natural surroundings will definitely help us get into character.

Act 1 Scene 2:

[The theater group unpacks their belongings. Jane, the park ranger, and Alex, her assistant, enter.]

Jane: Welcome to Baker Lake. I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

Mike: (suspicious) Are we the first group to stay at this site since that girl went missing?

Jane: (hesitant) Yes, but we've investigated and deemed the area safe. Just be cautious and follow the park rules.

[Jane and Alex leave the scene.]

Act 1 Scene 3:

[The theater group continues setting up their campsite, engaging in friendly banter and discussing their upcoming play. Lila finds a basket of marshmallows and a note from their neighbor, Ruby.]

Lila: (reading the note) "Enjoy these homemade marshmallows from your neighbor, Ruby."

Rachel: That's so sweet of her! We should definitely invite her to join us later.

Act 1 Scene 4:

[The group takes a break from setting up the campsite and begins practicing their lines for the play. They are interrupted by Ruby, who introduces herself.]

Ruby: (smiling) Hi there, neighbors! I'm Ruby. I just wanted to stop by and introduce myself. I hope you enjoy the marshmallows I left for you.

Mike: (grateful) Thank you, Ruby! That was really kind of you. We're actually a theater group here for a weekend retreat. Would you like to join us later for some s'mores?

Ruby: (enthusiastically) I'd love that! I'll see you all later then.

[Ruby exits the scene.]

Act 1 Scene 5:

[The theater group finishes setting up their campsite and starts a campfire. They gather around, discussing their roles in the play and their backgrounds.]

Mike: So, Lila, how did you get into acting?

Lila: Oh, I've always loved the stage. It's been my passion since I was a child. What about you, Tommy?

Tommy: I started acting in high school, and I've been hooked ever since. I can't imagine doing anything else.

Act 1 Scene 6:

[As night falls, Ruby joins the theater group around the campfire. They share stories about their experiences in theater and life in general, creating a bond between them.]

Ruby: (laughing) That's a hilarious story, Susy! It's amazing how theater can bring people together like this.

Susy: (smiling) You're right. It's like we're all part of one big family.

[The group continuesPlease continueAct 1 Scene 7:

[The group continues sharing stories and laughter around the campfire. They begin to roast the marshmallows Ruby provided, with everyone enjoying the treat.]

Rachel: (delighted) These marshmallows are delicious, Ruby! You've got a real talent for making them.

Ruby: (modestly) Thank you! I learned from the best – my grandma. She's been making them for as long as I can remember.

Act 1 Scene 8:

[As the night progresses, the group discusses the legend of the missing girl at Baker Lake, curious about the story.]

Lila: So, Ruby, do you know anything about the girl who went missing here?

Ruby: (hesitant) Yeah, I knew her. She was my sister. But, um... I'd rather not talk about it if that's okay.

Mike: (apologetic) Of course, we understand. We're sorry for bringing it up.

Act 1 Scene 9:

[The group decides to end the night with an improvised skit, inviting Ruby to join them. They perform the skit, which generates laughter and applause.]

Susy: (laughing) That was amazing, Ruby! You're a natural.

Ruby: (smiling) Thanks! I haven't had this much fun in a long time.

[The group says goodnight to Ruby, and she heads back to her campsite.]

Act 1 Scene 10:

[The theater group retires to their tents, excited about the bond they've formed with Ruby and the productive day they've had.]

Tommy: (yawning) Today was great, guys. I can't wait for tomorrow's rehearsal.

Rachel: (agreeing) Me too. Goodnight, everyone.

[The stage fades to black as the group settles into their tents for the night.]

---

With this expanded version of Act 1, the audience has the opportunity to get to know the characters better, as well as understand their motivations and relationships. This will help build a stronger foundation for the suspense and conflict in the following acts. The length of this Act should contribute to a 20-minute reading when combined with the other acts.Much better at improving the quality and guiding it towards 20 minutes for actors to do a reading. Can you write out all of Act 2?Act 2 Scene 1:

[The next morning, the theater group gathers outside their tents, preparing for a day of rehearsals.]

Jane: (stretching) Alright, everyone, let's warm up and get ready for today's rehearsal.

[The group begins their warm-up exercises, chatting and laughing as they do.]

Act 2 Scene 2:

[The rehearsal begins, with Ruby watching from the sidelines. She is visibly enjoying the group's performance and seems more at ease than before.]

Mike: (noticing Ruby) Hey, Ruby! Want to join us for the scene? We could use an extra character.

Ruby: (excited) Sure, I'd love to!

[Ruby joins the group in their rehearsal, fitting in seamlessly with their performance.]

Act 2 Scene 3:

[As the day progresses, the group takes a break from rehearsing to have lunch. They invite Ruby to join them.]

Lila: (handing Ruby a sandwich) Here you go, Ruby. We made extras.

Ruby: (grateful) Thanks, Lila. You guys are really making me feel welcome.

[The group shares stories and laughter as they eat their lunch, further bonding with Ruby.]

Act 2 Scene 4:

[After lunch, the group decides to practice a water scene at the lake. They gather their paddleboards and life jackets, heading towards the water.]

Emily: (excited) I've never paddleboarded before. This is going to be so much fun!

[The group reaches the lake and starts their paddleboarding scene, with Ruby watching from the shore.]

Act 2 Scene 5:

[While the group is on the water, the park aide approaches Ruby, engaging her in a conversation.]

Park Aide: Hey, Ruby. You've really become a part of the theater group, huh?

Ruby: (smiling) Yeah, they've been so welcoming, and it's been a nice distraction.

Park Aide: (curious) Distraction from what?

Ruby: (hesitant) Well... my sister's disappearance. It's been hard to cope with, but being with the group has helped.

Park Aide: (sympathetic) I'm sorry to hear that. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you.

Act 2 Scene 6:

[As the group finishes their water scene, they notice Emily struggling to stay afloat in her life jacket.]

Lila: (alarmed) Emily! What's happening? Are you okay?

Emily: (panicking) My life jacket... it's too heavy! I can't stay afloat!

[The group and the park aide rush to help Emily, managing to bring her safely back to shore.]

Act 2 Scene 7:

[Back at the campsite, the group discusses what happened to Emily, trying to figure out the cause of the malfunctioning life jacket.]

Rachel: (confused) I don't understand. How could the life jacket be too heavy?

Park Aide: (serious) It's possible that the life jacket was tampered with. We should be cautious and keep an eye on our belongings.

Act 2 Scene 8:

[The group decides to spend the rest of the day rehearsing without any props or costumes to minimize the risk of another incident.]

Mike: (determined) Let's focus on our lines and scenes today. We can't let this incident derail our progress.

[The group works on their performance, while the park aide keeps an eye on the surroundings.]

Act 2 Scene 9:

[As evening approaches, the group gathers around the campfire once again, sharing stories and enjoying each other's company. They are more cautious but still determined to make the most ofPlease Continuetheir time together.]

Jane: (reflective) Despite everything that's happened, I'm glad we've been able to grow closer as a group.

Ruby: (agreeing) Me too. I've found a sense of belonging here that I didn't expect.

Act 2 Scene 10:

[The next day, the group gathers to practice their final scene. The park aide is on high alert, making sure nothing goes wrong.]

Park Aide: (serious) I'll keep an eye on everything. You guys focus on your performance.

[The group starts rehearsing their final scene, with Ruby playing a key role. Their performance is powerful and emotional, leaving everyone feeling a sense of accomplishment.]

Act 2 Scene 11:

[As the theater group packs up their belongings and prepares to leave, they exchange heartfelt goodbyes with Ruby.]

Lila: (hugging Ruby) We'll miss you, Ruby. Take care of yourself.

Ruby: (teary-eyed) I'll miss you guys too. Thank you for everything.

Act 2 Scene 12:

[The park aide approaches Ruby as the group leaves.]

Park Aide: (concerned) I hope you'll be okay, Ruby.

Ruby: (smiling) I will be. The time I spent with the theater group has helped me heal in more ways than one.

Park Aide: (nodding) I'm glad to hear that. Just remember, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.

Ruby: (grateful) Thank you. I'll keep that in mind.

[As the theater group leaves the campground, the park aide and Ruby watch them go, knowing they've all made lasting connections and overcome their challenges together.]

Narrator: (closing) And so, the theater group's adventure at Baker Lake comes to an end. They leave with new friendships, unforgettable memories, and a renewed sense of camaraderie. As for Ruby, she has found solace and healing in the most unexpected place. And though the curtain falls on this chapter, the story of their lives continues, enriched by the experiences they've shared.I feel like we've lost the idea of a Murder mystery. Also, the play has three acts, but I think you ended the play here.My apologies for deviating from the original murder mystery concept. Here is a revision of Act 2 that brings the murder mystery back into focus, and I will provide Act 3 afterward.

Act 2:

Act 2 Scene 1:

[The theater group is gathered around a table, discussing their suspicions about the recent events, with the park aide joining them.]

Mike: (concerned) Two of our group members have had accidents. We need to figure out what's going on.

Park Aide: (serious) I agree. I've been suspicious that something more sinister is at play here.

Lila: (nervous) You think someone is trying to hurt us on purpose?

Park Aide: (nodding) It's possible. We need to keep our guard up and watch out for each other.

Act 2 Scene 2:

[Ruby approaches the group, offering her assistance in the investigation.]

Ruby: (earnest) I know I haven't been the most friendly neighbor, but I want to help. I've seen some strange things around the campground.

Mike: (skeptical) What kind of strange things?

Ruby: (hesitant) Just... people who don't seem to belong here. I've noticed them lurking around at night.

Act 2 Scene 3:

[The theater group and Ruby decide to work together and start investigating the campground. They interview other campers, asking about any unusual activity or potential suspects.]

Act 2 Scene 4:

[As the investigation continues, the group starts to bond with Ruby, learning about her difficult past and how she's trying to find her way in life.]

Act 2 Scene 5:

[The group gathers evidence and discovers a connection between the incidents and a mysterious figure seen around the campground. They decide to set a trap to catch the culprit.]

Act 2 Scene 6:

[The theater group and Ruby execute their plan to catch the mysterious figure. They create a fake event, luring the suspect into their trap.]

Act 2 Scene 7:

[The group successfully captures the mysterious figure, revealing them to be a disgruntled former member of the theater group, who was seeking revenge for being kicked out of the group.]

Disgruntled Former Member: (angry) You all ruined my life when you kicked me out! I wanted to make sure you'd never forget me!

Act 2 Scene 8:

[The park ranger and the park aide arrive on the scene, taking the disgruntled former member into custody.]

Park Ranger: (disappointed) I never thought someone would go to such lengths for revenge.

Park Aide: (relieved) At least we caught them before anyone else got hurt.

Act 2 Scene 9:

[The theater group, now feeling safe, reflects on their experiences and newfound friendships.]

Jane: (reflective) Despite everything that's happened, I'm glad we've been able to grow closer as a group.

Ruby: (agreeing) Me too. I've found a sense of belonging here that I didn't expect.

Act 3:

Act 3 Scene 1:

[The theater group and Ruby spend their remaining time at the campground rehearsing and enjoying each other's company, now that the threat has been eliminated.]

Act 3 Scene 2:

[The theater group performs their play for the campers at Baker Lake, with Ruby playing a key role. The performance is a great success.]

Act 3 Scene 3:

[As the theater group packs up their belongings and prepares to leave, they exchange heartfelt goodbyes with Ruby.]

Lila: (hugging Ruby) We'll miss you, Ruby. Take care of yourself.

Ruby: (teary-eyed) I'll miss you guys

Script Critique Analysis created at Tue Jan 20 1970 10:56:43 GMT+0000 (Coordinated Universal Time)